When the Harm Isn’t Clear
A conversation for queer people sitting with confusion, contradiction, and complexity after a relationship or connection that didn’t feel right, but doesn’t feel simple either
Why This Page Exists
Some harm is easy to name. Some is not.
Maybe you left a relationship and you’re still wondering what happened. Maybe things were intense, or messy, or beautiful at the start. Maybe the lines kept shifting. Maybe you hurt each other. Maybe you’re not sure it “counts.” Maybe everyone around you thought the relationship was fine, or even admired it.
But something didn’t feel okay.
You felt yourself shrinking. You felt confused more than comforted. You questioned your memory, your instincts, your needs. You lost track of what was true.
This page is for anyone who has asked:
Was that abusive?
Was it just unhealthy?
Was it both?
Was it me?
You’re not alone in asking. And you don’t need to land on a final answer to begin making sense of it.
There’s a Reason You Can’t Name It Easily
We’re often taught that harm follows a script. There’s one person who causes pain, and one person who receives it. There’s a clear villain, a clear victim, and a clear ending.
But queer relationships, like all relationships, can be full of contradictions. Especially when you share trauma. Especially when you are navigating overlapping oppressions. Especially when you love each other and still caused harm.
You may have:
Fought often, with no one walking away clean
Felt responsible for their emotions, or had them take responsibility for yours
Said things you regret, or heard things you’re still carrying
Apologised more than once for things that didn’t feel like they were just yours
Been in love, and in pain, at the same time
That doesn’t make you unreliable. It means your story is complex. And it’s allowed to be.
What Confusion Can Sound Like
“It wasn’t all bad.”
“They’re not abusive—they’re just wounded.”
“I also yelled, so maybe I’m the problem.”
“We both needed too much.”
“They never hit me.”
“Sometimes I think I made it worse.”
“I don’t want to label it if I’m not sure.”
“It wasn’t abuse, but it still hurt.”
All of these thoughts are common. None of them disqualify your pain.
You don’t need a perfect narrative to honour your experience.
Let’s Talk About Power
Abuse is not just about actions. It’s about how power moves through the relationship.
Who got to decide what counted as harm?
Who was allowed to be messy, and who had to stay regulated?
Who held the credibility, and who was dismissed?
Who took up space, and who collapsed?
Power doesn’t always come from size, gender, or income. It can come from who is more socially connected, more confident in conflict, more skilled in using language, more fluent in community or political discourse. It can come from who knows how to turn a room in their favour.
You may have been equals on paper—but that doesn’t mean the power was balanced.
If You Hurt Each Other
Sometimes both people use harm. That doesn’t make the pain any less real. It just complicates the story.
Maybe you lashed out. Maybe you didn’t handle conflict well. Maybe you were both overwhelmed. That doesn’t mean the harm you experienced wasn’t valid. It doesn’t mean you deserved it. And it doesn’t mean you can’t still reflect, repair, or change.
It’s okay to hold both. To be accountable for what you did and still name what hurt you.
You are not a bad person for being part of something messy. You’re just human.
You Don’t Need to Be Sure
Sometimes clarity comes in time. Sometimes it doesn’t.
You might still be trying to remember what happened. You might be cycling through different interpretations. You might change your mind next week. That’s okay.
You don’t need to call it abuse to want support.
You don’t need to call it trauma to feel shaken.
You don’t need to call it anything to choose something different next time.
Things That Might Help
Talk to someone who won’t rush you into labels
Write out what happened, not to prove it, but to hear yourself
Ask yourself what parts of you got smaller, quieter, or harder to reach during that time
Listen to your body when you think about going back
Notice the places where you’re still holding your breath
You don’t owe anyone a perfect story. But you do deserve space to tell the truth as you understand it, whatever that looks like right now.
If You Want to Reach Out
You don’t need to be in crisis. You don’t need to have proof. You don’t need to have made up your mind.
Rainbow DV Helpline (24/7): 1800 497 212
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
QLife (3pm–midnight): 1800 184 527
A queer-affirming therapist, community worker, or peer
A friend who gets the difference between messy and manipulative
There is space for stories that don’t fit the mould. Yours included.