How to Support a Survivor in Your Life
A grounded guide for friends, family, lovers, housemates, and community members who want to show up with care; without rescuing, fixing, or making it about you
If someone in your life has experienced harm, you may want to help. You might feel protective, heartbroken, angry, unsure, or helpless. You might be wondering what to say. Or what not to say. Or whether you’re saying anything at all.
This guide is for anyone who cares deeply but doesn’t want to overstep. For people who know that being supportive doesn’t mean having all the answers—it means knowing how to listen, how to respect someone’s pace, and how to keep the focus on their safety, not your comfort.
Especially in queer communities, where chosen family often carries the emotional weight of support, it’s important to learn how to show up well.
What Survivors Often Need
Support isn’t about saying the perfect thing. It’s about making sure someone doesn’t have to go through this alone.
Many survivors need:
To be believed without being interrogated
To feel emotionally safe in your presence
To not be judged for their decisions, whether they stay, leave, return, or freeze
To move at their own pace
To feel trusted in their own knowing
To have options, not pressure
To feel like their experience isn’t too messy, too late, or too much
You don’t have to be a therapist to provide that. You just have to keep showing up with care.
Start With Belief
If someone tells you something happened, believe them.
You don’t need proof. You don’t need all the details. You don’t need to make a moral judgment about the person who hurt them right away.
Saying “I believe you” is one of the most powerful things you can do. And it matters more than you think.
What to Say (And What Not To)
You might feel awkward. That’s okay. Start with honesty, and follow their lead.
Things that help:
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“I’m really sorry that happened.”
“You didn’t deserve that.”
“I believe you.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to share.”
“What would support look like right now?”
“You’re not too much.”
Things to avoid:
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Are you sure that’s what happened?”
“But they seem so nice.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“I would never let that happen to me.”
“Just report them.”
Survivors don’t need your certainty. They need your presence.
Don’t Center Yourself
It’s okay to feel upset, confused, or activated. It’s not okay to make it about you.
If you need to process, that’s human. But do it elsewhere, with someone who can hold space for your reactions so you can keep showing up for the survivor with steadiness.
They shouldn’t have to manage your feelings while trying to survive their own.
Respect Their Pace
Trauma recovery is not linear. Someone might open up, then go quiet again. They might ask for help, then cancel plans. They might leave, then return. They might seem fine, then fall apart.
Your job isn’t to guide them through it. Your job is to stay consistent, compassionate, and nonjudgmental.
Their timeline isn’t about you. Stay with them anyway.
Offer Support, Without Taking Control
Ask before giving advice. Let them tell you what they need.
You might ask:
“Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for suggestions?”
“Would you like help finding a support service?”
“Is there something you want me to hold onto for safekeeping?”
“Do you want company, or space today?”
Offer options. Not pressure.
If They Go Back
If they return to the relationship, or never leave, you might feel powerless, confused, or even betrayed. But this is common. Most survivors return to an abusive partner at least once. Sometimes many times.
Here’s what you can do:
Keep the door open
Stay consistent
Don’t shame them
Keep reminding them they deserve safety
Support their choices while also gently naming harm when needed
Offer care that doesn’t depend on them “getting it right”
Leaving isn’t always possible. It’s not always safe. It’s not always what someone wants. And it’s not your job to decide.
Support Might Look Like This
Making dinner
Sending a check-in text
Sitting in silence
Showing up when they cancel for the third time
Offering to walk them home
Holding information confidentially
Being okay not knowing the full story
Giving them space to change their mind
Reminding them of who they are
It’s often these small, everyday actions, not the grand gestures, that let someone know they’re not alone.
Boundaries Still Matter
You can support someone and take care of yourself.
You’re allowed to:
Take breaks from emotionally heavy conversations
Say no when you’re not available
Set limits around what you can hold
Redirect them to professional support when needed
Being available doesn’t mean being everything.
It’s better to show up honestly with boundaries than to burn out trying to carry more than you can.
If You Need Support Too
Supporting someone through harm can be intense. You might have your own trauma activated. You might feel unsure, anxious, angry, or numb.
Get support for yourself. That doesn’t mean sharing their story. It means talking about your feelings, your fears, and your reactions with someone trustworthy.
You don’t have to do this alone either.
If You Want to Help
You don’t need to be perfect, but perhaps:
Stay close
Listen more than you speak
Be someone they don’t have to perform healing for
Let your care be quiet and real
You might be the one voice in their life that doesn’t rush them, push them, or ask them to be more okay than they are.