What Queer Domestic Violence Can Look Like: A Reflective Checklist

A guide to recognising patterns of harm in queer and trans relationships, families, and homes

Why This Checklist Matters

Domestic and family violence is not always visible. It is not just about hitting or yelling. It often shows up as control, fear, emotional exhaustion, and silence.

For queer and trans people, abuse may come from a partner, an ex, a parent, a housemate, or someone in your chosen family. It can be especially difficult to name when community dynamics, shared trauma, or identity are involved.

This checklist is not here to label your relationship. It is here to help you recognise patterns. If you answer “yes” or “sometimes” to any of these questions, you are not overreacting—and you are not alone.

Emotional and Psychological Control

• Do you feel like you are always in the wrong, even when you raise something gently?

• Do they mock, humiliate, or belittle you in public or private, then tell you you are too sensitive?

• Do they withhold affection or attention when you do not behave the way they want?

• Do they blame your trauma, neurodivergence, or mental health for every conflict?

• Do they bring up your past mistakes or vulnerabilities when you try to set boundaries?

• Do you find yourself walking on eggshells even when nothing has happened?

• Do you apologise constantly, even when you don’t believe you did anything wrong?

Control and Coercion

• Do they monitor your movements, friendships, or social life—directly or through guilt?

• Do they pressure you to keep secrets from others and say that everything should stay private?

• Do they get angry or withdrawn when you make independent choices?

• Do they give you the silent treatment when you set limits or speak up?

• Do they expect you to regulate their emotions and then punish you when you cannot?

• Have they ever threatened to harm themselves or someone else if you leave or assert boundaries?

Misuse of Queer or Community Language

• Do they accuse you of being unsafe or abusive when you ask for space or name harm?

• Do they use language like “gaslighting,” “trauma response,” or “boundaries” to shift blame?

• Do they frame every challenge to their behaviour as oppression or marginalisation?

• Do they use their identity or trauma to excuse behaviour that feels harmful to you?

Threats to Out, Shame, or Isolate You

• Have they ever threatened to out your sexuality, gender identity, or HIV status?

• Do they misgender, deadname, or police your expression, especially around others?

• Do they suggest you are too much, too visible, or a burden in queer spaces?

• Do they shame you for being out, proud, or expressive?

Community and Social Abuse

• Have they told your friends or community that you are the abuser or cause of harm before you could speak?

• Do you feel afraid to tell your story because they are more well-liked, visible, or respected in your community?

• Have you lost access to events, collectives, or safe spaces due to something they said or did?

• Do they present as charming or loving in public, but act controlling or cruel in private?

Financial Control

• Do they limit your access to money, medication, food, or transport?

• Have they pressured you to give them money or take on shared debt?

• Do they interfere with your ability to work, study, or access support payments?

• Do you feel unable to leave because they have made you financially dependent?

Sexual Coercion and Boundary Violations

• Have they pressured or manipulated you into sex you did not want?

• Do they ignore or dismiss your sexual boundaries, then blame you for not being clearer?

• Have they used your sexual history, STI status, or personal disclosures to shame or control you?

• Do they use kink, polyamory, or trauma discourse to justify sex that leaves you feeling confused or unsafe?

• Do they treat your sexuality, body, or lack of desire as a problem to be fixed?

Physical Violence and Intimidation

• Have they pushed, grabbed, slapped, or blocked your exit during conflict?

• Have they thrown things, broken objects, or hurt your pet in anger?

• Do you feel physically unsafe, even if they say they are not hurting you?

• Do they use their size, voice, or physical proximity to make you feel afraid?

Systems and Institutional Harm

• Have they threatened to report you to police, child protection, housing services, or immigration authorities?

• Have they made false reports or used the system to control, intimidate, or discredit you?

• Do they use your disability, visa status, or past legal involvement to hold power over you?

Technological Control

• Do they access your phone, accounts, or private messages without permission?

• Have they sent or threatened to send personal images or conversations to others?

• Do they track your location or monitor your devices and call it protection or care?

• Have they impersonated you or used digital tools to harm your reputation?

Cultural, Spiritual, or Familial Harm

• Has a family member used religion, culture, or tradition to shame or punish you for being queer?

• Have you been threatened with conversion, exclusion, or forced silence about your identity?

• Have you been cut off from your language, spirituality, or culture unless you hide who you are?

• Are you subjected to emotional abuse that is framed as respect, discipline, or family obligation?

If You Are Unsure

You may only relate to a few of these questions. Or maybe you relate to many. You might not be ready to name it yet. That is okay.

You do not need to be certain in order to trust your body.

You do not need to leave in order to ask for care.

You do not need to label your experience as abuse to seek support.

This checklist is not a test. It is a reflection.

If something here resonates, that is enough.

You matter. And you are allowed to want something different.