Self-Regulation,
Co-Regulation, and Nervous System Care for Queer Bodies

A trauma-informed guide for LGBTIQA+ people navigating the impact of harm

Why Nervous System Care Matters for Queer Survivors

When you have experienced trauma, violence, or long-term stress, your body often holds the memory more vividly than your mind. Queer and trans people may carry additional layers of nervous system strain from experiences like chronic misrecognition, family rejection, medical trauma, housing insecurity, systemic discrimination, or community betrayal.

These stressors can shape your nervous system to remain on high alert, even long after the threat has passed.

This guide offers grounded, evidence-informed strategies for recognising and supporting your nervous system. It avoids oversimplified healing narratives, spiritual bypassing, and blame-based models. It acknowledges that self-care is political, safety is collective, and nervous system regulation is not about achieving constant calm. It is about creating more freedom, choice, and steadiness in your body.

You do not need to be fully healed to be whole. You do not need to feel calm to be worthy. You simply need enough steadiness to keep choosing yourself, one moment at a time.

Understanding Your Nervous System

The nervous system is your body’s internal communication network. It constantly receives information about safety, connection, threat, and risk—and sends signals that influence how you think, feel, speak, move, and respond.

If you are a survivor, you may find yourself stuck in certain nervous system patterns. These are not personality flaws. They are survival strategies.

Common Nervous System States

Hyperarousal (fight or flight)
You might feel anxious, restless, agitated, or on edge. You may overthink, overwork, or stay busy to avoid discomfort. You may feel unsafe in your body even when things seem “fine.”

Hypoarousal (freeze or collapse)
You might feel numb, shut down, foggy, or exhausted. It may be hard to make decisions, feel present, or stay connected. You may dissociate or lose time.

Mixed states
Many queer people experience both. You might look functional on the outside but feel frozen inside. You might feel restless and disconnected at the same time. This is common. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you.

What Self-Regulation Is (and What It Is Not)

Self-regulation means recognising your nervous system state and using tools to shift into a more stable, functional space. That might involve calming down, waking up, grounding yourself, or staying connected through discomfort.

Self-regulation is not about staying calm all the time. It is not about eliminating trauma responses or becoming emotionally flat. It is about staying with yourself—even when things are hard.

It is also not always available. If you are in crisis, under threat, or lacking safety and resources, regulation may feel out of reach. That does not mean you are doing something wrong. The goal is not perfection. The goal is more choice.

Why Co-Regulation Matters for Queer People

Co-regulation means regulating through safe connection with another person. It is not a weakness. It is a human need. We are biologically wired to regulate in relationship.

Many queer people have been cut off from safe co-regulation. If you were rejected by family, invalidated by medical systems, forced to hide your identity, or harmed in community, you may have learned to self-regulate alone—or to distrust others entirely.

Rebuilding co-regulation takes time. It can happen in small, meaningful ways, such as:

• Being around calm, regulated people who can hold space

• Sharing laughter, eye contact, or conversation

• Safe, consensual touch (like a hand on your back or holding hands)

• Sitting quietly near someone who is steady

• Feeling emotionally seen or believed

You get to choose who you co-regulate with. Not everyone is safe or appropriate. You are allowed to take your time.

Practical Strategies for Self-Regulation

These tools are not magic fixes. They are simple, sensory-informed techniques that can support you when you are overwhelmed, shut down, or feeling unsafe. Try the ones that feel right for you.

1. Orient to the Present

Turn your head and slowly name five things you can see. Then five sounds you can hear. Then five physical sensations—like your body in a chair or the feeling of your breath. This helps anchor you in the present moment.

2. Use Temperature Shifts

Splash cold water on your face. Hold an ice cube. Step outside. Drink something warm or cold. Changing your body temperature can interrupt panic or flashbacks and help you feel more grounded.

3. Name What Is Happening

Say, “I’m having a trauma response.” This is not the same as saying “I’m broken” or “I’m overreacting.” It’s a reminder that your body is doing what it learned to do. Naming it can reduce its intensity.

4. Use Compression or Containment

Wrap yourself in a blanket. Hug a pillow. Press your palms together. Sit in a corner or enclosed space. These grounding sensations can help your body feel held and safe.

5. Breathe Gently

Breathe in slowly through your nose, and breathe out like you’re blowing through a straw. Focus on making your out-breath slightly longer than your in-breath. Avoid forced deep breathing if it feels uncomfortable. Soft and steady is enough.

6. Move or Rest

If your body wants movement, follow it. Stretch. Shake. Rock. Walk. Dance.
If your body wants stillness, allow that too. Sit in a supported position. Lie down. Let your body guide you toward what it needs.

7. Stim If You Need To

If you are neurodivergent, stimming can be regulation. Tap, rock, hum, fidget, or use textures and sensory objects. These are valid tools, not habits to eliminate.

8. Create a Personal List

Make a list of what helps in different states—frozen, anxious, overwhelmed, angry, or disconnected. Keep it nearby. It can be hard to remember in the moment.

Nervous System Care for the Long Term

Crisis regulation is one part of the work. Long-term care helps your nervous system increase its capacity and return to safety more easily over time.

Long-term nervous system care might include:

• Improving sleep routines

• Identifying which people feel safe to be around

• Practising kinder self-talk and internal language

• Noticing which habits escalate or soothe your stress

• Creating home or work environments that reduce overwhelm

You may also choose to work with a trauma-informed practitioner who understands queer experiences. Not all therapy is safe or effective. You get to choose support that honours your values, identity, and body.

You Don’t Need to Feel Safe All the Time

The world is not always safe. Many queer people have learned to survive by staying alert. That survival strategy may have protected you. Your body learned what it needed to.

This guide is not telling you to let your guard down forever. It is here to remind you that when something hard happens, you have options. You have tools. You have the right to choose care that works for you.

Self-regulation is not a destination or a measure of success. It is simply one way to support yourself.

You are not weak for needing regulation. You are wise for seeking it.