Queer Coercive Control Red Flags

Recognising patterns of power and control in LGBTIQA+ relationships and families

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate, degrade, and control another person over time. It often develops gradually. It may never involve physical violence, but it creates an environment where one person is constantly adapting, complying, or shrinking out of fear—even if they still love the person causing harm.

In queer relationships, coercive control can look different. It is often masked by shared trauma, community values, or political language. Many queer people do not recognise they are being controlled until they are deep in the relationship, because it does not look like the abuse they were taught to recognise.

This resource names common red flags to help you reflect. It is not here to diagnose anyone. If even a few of these resonate, that is enough reason to pay attention, start a conversation, or seek support.

Coercive Control in Queer Relationships

You may be experiencing coercive control if:

• You constantly adjust yourself to avoid upsetting them. This might include changing how you dress, staying silent on certain topics, or holding back your emotions.

• You feel like you are walking on eggshells. Even when nothing specific has happened, the tension feels constant.

• You feel punished for being independent. If you make plans, spend time with others, or take space, they respond with withdrawal, anger, coldness, or distress.

• Your needs are often dismissed as dramatic, inconvenient, or caused by trauma. Over time, you stop asking for what you need.

• You are expected to manage their emotions, regulate their anxiety, or process their trauma, but they do not offer you the same support.

• You are expected to accommodate their mental health, gender transition, neurodivergence, or trauma, while your own needs are ignored or minimised.

• When you raise concerns, they turn the tables. You end up apologising, or they accuse you of being the one who is unsafe or abusive.

• They hold you to rules and standards that they do not apply to themselves.

• They control the pace and intensity of the relationship. When you ask to slow down, take a break, or set boundaries, they treat it like rejection.

• They regularly make you question your memory, perception, or intentions. You are told you are overreacting, exaggerating, or imagining things.

• They isolate you from friends, community, or chosen family. They call it “boundaries” or “emotional safety,” but it leaves you more alone.

• They blame their behaviour on past trauma, mental health, or identity. You are expected to absorb it without question.

• You make constant excuses for them to others, even though something feels off.

• They monitor your phone, location, or social media and frame it as care or anxiety.

• You feel forced to choose between them and someone else you love. They frame others as unsafe or toxic when they feel threatened.

• Your voice has gotten smaller. You second-guess yourself. You’ve stopped saying things out loud—not even to yourself.

Red Flags in How Conflict Is Handled

Coercive control often shows up in how someone handles disagreement, disappointment, or feedback.

Ask yourself:

• Do they escalate small conflicts into major arguments, then blame you for “ruining the day”?

• Do they cry, dissociate, or shut down in ways that force you to stop talking—even if you were the one who was harmed?

• Do they accuse you of being abusive or gaslighting them when you try to express how you feel?

• Do they refuse to acknowledge harm unless they can frame it as a response to something you did?

• Do they expect you to forgive them immediately but bring up every mistake you’ve ever made?

• Do they shape the public narrative about your relationship in a way that leaves you invisible or voiceless?

Red Flags in the Use of Queer Community Language

In queer relationships, coercive control can hide behind progressive language. Words like “boundaries,” “trauma,” or “community care” can be used to manipulate or deflect accountability.

You might notice:

• They call themselves trauma-informed or a survivor to avoid being questioned.

• They post educational content, share theory, or present as emotionally aware in public but act cruel or controlling in private.

• They frame any disagreement as violence, ableism, or harm—regardless of your tone or intent.

• They tell you that naming their behaviour publicly would violate their safety, while continuing to share the story of your relationship on their terms.

• They use community values to silence you or punish you for speaking up.

Red Flags in Your Own Body and Gut

Your nervous system often recognises coercive control before your mind can name it.

Ask yourself:

• Do you feel anxious or afraid when they text you or come home?

• Do you hold your breath during conversations, even when things are “fine”?

• Do you feel responsible for keeping them calm, even when you are the one who is struggling?

• Do you feel guilty for imagining your life without them?

• Do you fantasise about being alone—not because you don’t love them, but because you want peace?

• Do you feel a kind of exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix?

If your body feels like it is always bracing for something, it is not being dramatic. It is trying to protect you.

If You Are Still Unsure

You might feel caught in a loop.

They have been through so much. You have hurt each other. You love them. They say they are trying. They apologise. They didn’t mean to.

All of that might be true.

And they still might be controlling you.

A relationship can be intense, political, trauma-informed, queer, and still not be safe.

You can love someone deeply and still need space from them.
You can feel both connection and fear.
You can want to stay and still deserve to be safe.

What You Deserve

• You deserve to make decisions about your own life without being punished.

• You deserve to speak honestly without being silenced.

• You deserve time, space, rest, and privacy.

• You deserve relationships that nourish you instead of draining you.

• You deserve to be supported without giving up your voice.

You Are Not Alone

If something in this resource feels familiar, that is enough.
You do not need to justify it.
You are not overreacting.
You are not broken.
You are not imagining it.

You are allowed to ask for support.
You are allowed to take space.
You are allowed to feel confused and still trust your body.

You are not alone.