How to Support a Friend Who Might Be Using Violence & Harm in their Relationships

A practical guide to naming harm, supporting accountability, and building safer queer communities

Why This Resource Matters

In queer and trans communities, we are taught to believe and support survivors. That work is vital and ongoing.

But what happens when the person causing harm is someone we love, live with, march beside, or trust?

It can feel confusing and overwhelming. You might feel unsure what to say. You may wonder whether you are even allowed to care about someone who has used violence. These feelings are normal.

This guide is for people who want to show up differently. It is for those who are ready to stay in the room, ask better questions, and support accountability—not through punishment or public call-outs, but through honesty, safety, and care.

Supporting someone who has used harm is not about excusing it. It is about interrupting it. It is about choosing community care, even when it is uncomfortable.

What Violence Can Look Like

Violence is not always physical. It often includes emotional, social, sexual, psychological, and financial harm. Many people who use violence minimise it by saying things like, “I never hit them,” or, “It was just an argument.”

Here are some examples of violence:

• Blaming a partner or family member for everything that goes wrong

• Using threats, silence, or guilt to control outcomes

• Pressuring someone into sex, affection, or agreement

• Monitoring their phone, location, or social life

• Isolating them from community, friends, or support

• Undermining their identity, gender, or sense of reality

• Using trauma, mental health, or oppression to justify behaviour

• Escalating conflict until someone feels afraid or frozen

Violence might happen once, or it might be part of a pattern. Either way, if someone's behaviour creates fear, confusion, or a loss of freedom, it needs to be named—and addressed.

What It Means to Support Someone Who Has Used Harm

It is possible to care about someone and still acknowledge their behaviour as harmful.
It is possible to offer support and still expect accountability.
It is possible to hold someone through change without rescuing or shaming them.

Your role is not to fix them. Your role is not to stay neutral. Your role is to help create conditions where change becomes possible—through truth, boundaries, and consistent care.

Before You Speak: Check In With Yourself

If you think someone you know is using harm, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I safe to raise this?

• Do I have enough understanding of the situation to speak responsibly?

• Can I stay grounded, even if they react with defensiveness or distress?

• Am I coming from care, or from judgment or fear?

You do not need to be an expert. You just need to move slowly and speak with care.

How to Start the Conversation

There is no perfect script. But here are some ways to begin:

• “I care about you, and I’ve noticed some things that are worrying. Can we talk?”

• “I want to speak with you about how you’ve been treating [name]. I’m not here to argue—I just need to name what I see.”

• “I’m not trying to shame you, but I do think it’s time to take responsibility.”

• “You don’t have to tell me everything. But I need to know you’re willing to reflect.”

When you speak:

• Use “I” statements when possible

• Focus on behaviour, not labels like “abuser”

• Stay present and clear, not reactive

• Avoid defending or justifying their actions

• Expect resistance. If they shut down, you can revisit it later

What Not to Do

• Do not minimise. Avoid phrases like, “Everyone argues,” or, “Relationships are hard.” This only fuels denial.

• Do not gossip. Talking about someone without consent can increase harm—for them and for the survivor.

• Do not mediate. You are not a neutral go-between. Don’t push for reconciliation or conflict resolution.

• Do not make empty threats. If you say you’ll take action, only say it if you’re prepared to follow through.

• Do not become their caretaker. Supporting someone through accountability is not the same as becoming their emotional support system.

What Accountability Can Look Like

Real accountability is not a single apology. It is a long-term commitment to change.

That might include:

• Acknowledging the harm without making excuses

• Listening without defensiveness

• Seeking education or professional support

• Making amends where possible and appropriate

• Changing behaviours, not just words

• Accepting that the person they hurt may not want reconciliation

Change does not happen overnight. But people who are serious about accountability should be willing to try.

What You Can Do as a Support Person

• Let them know the behaviour is harmful and needs to change

• Offer support in finding help, such as therapy or an accountability group

• Set boundaries if their behaviour becomes unsafe or manipulative

• Stay connected to the survivor if appropriate and safe

• Talk to trusted people about how to stay grounded

• Remember that supporting accountability does not mean centring their feelings

This work is about keeping safety at the centre, not making people feel better about their actions.

What If They Are Not Willing?

Some people are not ready to change. Some may never be.

If they deny harm, shift blame, or weaponise identity to silence others, you may need to step back. That does not mean you do not care. But it does mean you cannot carry them.

You are allowed to disengage. You can shift your energy toward community repair and survivor support.

Sometimes the clearest thing we can say is:

“I care about you. And I will not collude with harm.”

Accountability Is Queer Care

In queer communities, where family is chosen and systems have failed us, accountability must become part of how we care for each other.

This is not about punishment. It is about protection, transformation, and the kind of care that is honest enough to confront harm—not to shame someone, but to help them choose something different.

You have a role in that. And you don’t have to do it alone.